When You Don’t Fit into Your “Assigned” Disability Group: Awkward Club, Party of One?
Let me start by saying, I have found a wonderful group of friends who are Deaf and/or have disabilities. This blog post does not reflect my experience with them. They are very supportive and I am very grateful to have them in my life. This blog post is to acknowledge that it wasn’t always this way. It shares experiences I’ve had and how I eventually found my tribe over the years.
Finding your people can feel like striking gold—especially when you have a disability or are Deaf. You finally meet others who “get it,” who know the struggles and joys.. It’s like you’ve found your tribe. But what happens when you don’t fit into your own disability or deaf group? Spoiler alert: it can be rough. I mean, how awkward is it to be excluded from the community you thought was your home base?
It’s kind of like trying to crash a party where your name was on the guest list…but no one seems to recognize you. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Exclusion Hurts—No Matter How It’s Dished Out
Sometimes it’s subtle, like a sideways glance or awkward silence. Other times, it’s as blunt as, “Oh, you don’t really belong here.” Yikes, right? Whether you have multiple disabilities or don’t match some imaginary checklist of what being “disabled enough” looks like, the pain of being sidelined is all too real.
Let me break it down for you.
The Deaf Community: Where “Talking with Your Hands” Isn’t Always Enough
The Deaf community—rich in culture, vibrant in language, with American Sign Language (ASL) as its backbone. However, I’ve experienced more than a few times over the years in this community that if you’re Deaf and have another disability, say cerebral palsy (CP), signing might not come as smoothly and may not be as accepted. It’s like trying to dance at a wedding while wearing roller skates—technically, you’re dancing, but it looks…different.
ASL isn’t just hand movements; it’s facial expressions, body language, and some super precise hand shapes. So if you’re struggling with muscle control, your signs might look a bit off. My signing isn’t easy to understand because of my CP and learning disability – it’s not as skilled, fluid, or smooth as other Deaf community members without my physical and learning challenges. Even when I practice in the mirror, I notice how difficult it is to understand. This way of signing can get you labeled as “awkward” or even, side-lined in Deaf spaces.
And then, you’re left floating in a weird no-man’s-land. You’re not hearing, but apparently not “Deaf enough” either?
The Cerebral Palsy Community: When a Limp Doesn’t Get You in the Door
On the flip side, let’s talk about the CP community. CP comes in all shapes and sizes, from folks who use wheelchairs to those who walk with just a little limp or have minor coordination issues. And here’s the kicker: if your CP is considered “mild,” like mine, you might get the old side-eye for not being “disabled enough.” Like, sorry my limp isn’t limpy enough for the group photo.
You might hear things like, “Well, you don’t really understand what it’s really like to have CP,” which, still hurts. It’s like being told you can’t sit with the cool kids at lunch because your sneakers don’t match the dress code. You’re caught in between: too disabled for the able-bodied world but apparently not disabled enough for the CP crew. Ouch.
The Mental Toll of Being Left Out: Hello, Anxiety and Identity Crisis!
Getting excluded from your community stings. It’s like trying to join a band only to be told, “We don’t need a tambourine player, thanks.” The rejection often leads to a whole pile of not-so-fun feelings like:
- Anxiety: “What if every group kicks me out? Should I just avoid all social events and live as a hermit with my Netflix account?” (Spoiler: It’s tempting.)
- Depression: The loneliness that follows exclusion can spiral fast. Humans are social creatures, and when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere, it’s tough to stay upbeat.
- Identity Crisis: Being part of a disability community is a key part of how many people see themselves. If that identity is questioned, it can lead to all sorts of “Who am I? Where do I belong?” questions. (Cue the existential crisis music.)
- Self-Doubt: Am I really disabled? Do I deserve accommodations? Should I feel guilty for not fitting in? It’s exhausting just thinking about it.
So, How Do You Find Your People When No One Sends the Invite?
Now that we’ve established that being excluded sucks, how do you find a community where you actually belong? First off, let me assure you—it is possible! The trick is to go off the beaten path and sometimes even build your own path if you have to.
Here’s what you can do:
- Seek Out Intersectional Spaces: These are communities that celebrate your complexity. Whether you have multiple disabilities or just don’t fit the cookie-cutter mold, find a group that’s open to the whole you.
- Create Your Own Club: Can’t find the right group? Start one! The beauty of the internet is that niche communities can thrive—if there isn’t already a place for people like you, there’s nothing stopping you from creating it. Plus, who doesn’t want to be the founder of a super-inclusive club?
- Embrace Your Uniqueness: You don’t need anyone else’s validation to be valid. Your experience is yours, and it’s totally legitimate, even if it doesn’t match what others expect.
Final Thoughts: You’re More Than a Label
The truth is, disability labels are often too simplistic for the diverse, nuanced people they try to categorize. Whether the Deaf community turns you away because your ASL isn’t fluid enough or the CP community decides you’re not “disabled enough” to join their club, remember: these labels don’t define you.
You’re not too Deaf, too able-bodied, or too anything else. You are you, and that’s enough. So, keep looking for—or building—the community where you do belong. There are people out there who get it and will accept you, roller-skate dance moves and all.
And hey, if all else fails, just know I’m over here in the Awkward Club too, saving you a seat.
You are enough, just as you are. And while exclusion from certain groups can be painful, there are spaces out there where you will find acceptance, understanding, and a sense of belonging. Keep searching for those communities—whether they already exist or whether you need to create them yourself. You are not alone in your experiences, even if it sometimes feels that way.
